This day

This day I tell ya. The woorst.

How am I going to have time to do everything I want and need to do when there are so many films to watch, so much music to listen to and so much bread to eat in the cupboard? I don’t understand.
I wake up every morning thinking I need to finish that article,  that column, that feature. Then I move on to: I need to shower first, and brush my teeth and put on my makeup. I continue with: I really should update my blog today, take some pictures, write something witty about my day (what day?) and then I should exercise because I never really do that. That’s something you need to do if you don’t want to die young, or get fat. God forbid that ever happens. After that it’s really important to eat healthy and then I argue with myself for a while and the less disciplined side of me wins an I eat six slices of bread – just like that. White bread as well. Oh lord.

So, I get out of bed and the stress is already causing me to see double and I stumble to the bathroom and I honestly, deeply dislike the person staring back at me, but feeling like I do today, who wouldn't?
I leave the bathroom without putting on makeup and I figure I can shower later. I've got so much to do! So I sit down in front of my desk, open up my laptop and start to get stressed again “why is it not starting up faster, I'm in a hurry!”. Sometimes I actually tell my laptop this. Just so it knows what it’s doing to me.

Then I check my Facebook, of course, something important might have happened. And my email. And my twitter. My blog. My oh my. Nothing exciting. Then I think that, well I've had such a stressful morning, why not watch a fun relaxing film while eating my white thick unhealthy bred with butter (guilt trip) and then, then I’ll start working. Honestly.

When the film is over I feel this overwhelming heavy feeling on my chest. In my chest. I should go outside, I need some fresh air. I haven’t been outside for two days. Something is wrong with me and I know it. But I don’t leave my flat. I clean a little, just to get some of my restlessness out of the way so I can start taking care of my life. It occurs to me that life happens right now and I'm wasting precious time. I get stressed and slightly nauseous and quickly return to my laptop.

Where do I start? Writing, blog, sending emails, making phone calls, doing that freelance job, or the other freelance job, or write on my book – it’s been ages since. I take a deep breath and I realize how many “needs and shoulds” I always use. Where is the “wants”? I'm basically wasting my life doing nothing and stressing about doing nothing not getting anywhere and get more things on my plate. Where do I start, where does it end?

At least there is a party tonight (and still delicious things in the cupboard).